I punched Breastfeeding in the FACE!

"You'll want to feed her about every 2 hours or when she is fussy and crying..." said the nurse at the Kingman Regional Hospital.

Oh how my heart, body, mind and boobs wished I would have asked for more instruction that first time I let Annabelle latch on.  Who even knew that there was such a thing as a "correct latch???"  I wanted to hit the rewind button on life where a smarter me would have prepared more and taken a breastfeeding class.

Oh the pain...

In my Elisa head I had decided way before getting preg that I wanted to breastfeed and that it would be the best thing for my baby.  Another huge kicker was the price of formula was outrageous, and with the tight budget Jeff and I were on there was no way to squeeze in that cost.  Day 1 of bf wasn't that bad...day 2 was pretty ok, but then when we got released from the hospital and I came home that's when I noticed that bf was a true skill and art-form in itself.  I knew it was getting bad when every time she needed to eat I would avoid it at all costs, and then when she would eat my toes would just curl from the pain.  I would sit there and watch the clock and had to remind myself to take deep breaths and just look forward to getting my next mini break from it.

Nipple Shield:

My dear sweet Mom was here to guide me as well and brought up the idea of a nipple shield...nipple huh?!?!? She explained to me that it was something she had used back when she breastfed all 7 of us kids and it worked for her.  Well she was an expert in my eyes after feeding 7 of us so I definitely wanted to hop on that nipple shield train.  At first I was hesitant only because of the things I had read and I didn't want to give Belle "nipple confusion" but it got to the point where I had to think of my sanity and happiness too so I went for it and it saved my life!!  Seriously, it gave my nipples the break they needed from being sucked on every 2 hours those first newborn months and I knew Belle was getting the milk that she needed.  I got to the point where on my left side I couldn't bf without it, but I set little goals and eventually weened myself from it.  It.was.a.life.saver.

Ooooooouuuch!!!

My angel of a friend Nikki so kindly checked in with me a couple days after I had Annabelle and politely asked about my bf situation.  She was an answer to my bf prayers...I needed someone who could relate, give me inspiration and any push in the right direction.  Little did she know that from then on out she would become my personal BF Coach!  I desperately needed someone to listen to me on how I really felt about this new motherly bonding experience I supposedly would one day enjoy??? Nikki quickly became someone I knew I could cling to for advice and turn to for support at anytime during the day or night.  Knowing myself I knew that I needed someone to encourage me or else I would just give up.  She began to text me day and night with expert bf advice and awesome trustworthy websites {http://www.llli.org and http://kellymom.com} to use and gain knowledge from.

She also gave me hope when she said, "I promise you one day it won't hurt after you get out of the shower and use your towel to dry off!" and it's true...that stopped hurting eventually too.  She was there to remind me to make sure and take showers because the hot water alone would soothe my sore breasts.  She reminded me how critical it was to always, always squeeze out some extra breast milk to rub on my nipples after each feeding and to always be diligent about applying Lansinoh cream and letting them air dry.  She told me breast milk was magical and would help heal my nipples, and it did.  I often times applied it to scratches on Belle's face and it helped heal things like that too.

I think what mostly brought me down about the whole bf experience is the stinging pain I would feel after bf, I swear that every time I was done feeding Belle I would just sit there and push my boobs in with my hands, it seemed to help with the pain. Ibuprofen became a great friend through all this too.

Mastitis??!?! 

I heard about this little beauty from my pregnancy book and dreaded the thought of it even happening, but it did...thankfully I caught it before it got too extreme.  It made me laugh thinking about how bf is the best nutrition you can give your child, but on the flip side you have to be cautious of the infections that could come from clogged milk ducts.  Didn't know what a clogged milk duct was until I realized that's what they call a golf ball sized feeling in your breast, I was so freaked out when I felt my first one.  I eventually became a pro out massaging those out too.

I knew that one of the signs for mastitis was having the chills at night and other cold like symptoms, so there I was happily laying in bed one night after I finally got Belle down and I started shivering under my blankets. Feeling cold in August didn't sound right to me.  I piled blankets on that night and started to worry about what was going to happen, I was already so stressed about bf and this was just making it 100x worse.  In the morning when I woke up I did notice some red swelling around my nipple but thankfully it hadn't gotten too painful and I was able to get an appt with my Dr. and he put me on on an antibiotic.

It will get better...

I know I was at fault with letting Belle latch on wrong from the very beginning.  Even after realizing I had made that mistake I tried retraining her to have a "correct latch" but lost patience with that quickly because it wasn't worth it to me to let her cry so much before she ate to get her to latch correctly.  I just wanted the feeding to be over and done with as soon as it stared.  Looking back on it now, it definitely would have been worth my time to teach her to open her mouth more so that it wouldn't have hurt me so much in the end.

I also went and saw a Lactation Consultant at the hospital and she was very helpful and pointed out a couple of things I could be doing better to have a more pleasant bf experience.  My good friend Ashley Alberts who lived here was also a nurse in the labor and delivery dept and would come over and give me 1x1 lessons.  I got to the point where I didn't care who saw my breasts, I needed help and wanted to get this bf thing under control. She taught me different positions on how to hold Belle when I was feeding her and that if I switched each time I fed her it would be more comfortable.  She showed me how I could tell if Belle was latching correctly and how it should feel.  Bless her heart a thousand times for sitting patiently with me on my bed and teaching me bf skills!

In addition to all my other bf woes Belle would also nurse for long periods of time, and that also never got shorter down the road either.  I tried everything to keep her awake, even squirting a little bit of water on her head! {That gave Jeff a good laugh!} I let her get into the horrible habit of using nursing time as a quick nap time too.  There were times where she could easily nurse up to 30 mins, but I was mean and usually cut her off at 25 mins. She wasn't sucking the entire time and so if we both could enjoy 20-25 mins of peace then I just let her do it.  I did find it endearing how much she found comfort in devouring my warm, natural sweet milk!  When she was finished and I made her latch off Jeff always said it seemed like she was drunk off my milk, she always looked so out of it.  Haha.

I knew that I didn't want to get to the point where bf was hurting me so much that I would resent Belle for it later on.  I was overwhelmed from the pain sometimes and wouldn't allow myself to enjoy my precious little girl.  I had to just take it a day at a time and let all the encouraging words from close friends a family give me the boost I needed to continue on with bf.  I told myself that each day it would hurt less and it truly did.  I felt like my pain was a bit dragged on and longer than most.  I honestly would say I didn't feel "pain free" from bf until Belle was about 3 months old.

Giving up...

I definitely experienced my melt downs with bf and expressed my pains and concerns to Jeff and he would always listen. One night I told him it sounded only fair that the Dad should breast feed since the women had to go through 9 months of pregnancy and the joys of labor.  Sounds a bit twisted I know, but it was a funny thought at the time. Haha!  I would like to watch a guy endure the pains of bf!

There were some nights where I threw my hands up and told Jeff I was quitting and that maybe I would just pump my way through feeding Belle, but pumping got old really quick.  On nights when it got really bad and I couldn't deal with another pain shooting from my breast we would just give Annabelle a bottle with formula, and it gave me a well needed break.  Since the formula was much heavier it put her out for a good 6 hours and would give all of us some extra sleep too!

I know that for everyone it's different on how you decide to feed your baby when they enter this world, and like with everything else in Mommy Land you just have to do what's best for you and your child and figure out what works.  It worked for me to use formula for a bit, but after I become a pro bf'er I was just strictly giving her my breast milk!

I would always wake up the next morning feeling guilty about not wanting to bf, and would somehow find the energy and faith to let her latch on again and clung to the hope that one day bf would be a walk through Disneyland! :)

Enjoying...

During the moments of pain I would sometimes kid myself and think I would rather go through labor again than breast feed because with labor you know the pain would end and with bf it was like a continuous pain. I will admit that during the first 4-5 months I didn't let myself enjoy those bonding moments that most Mom's experience with bf because I was so stuck on the aching pain my body was feeling.  Once Annabelle got older and her mouth got bigger it did get much easier and I loved that my natural supply of milk was a key to her comfort and what made her grow and develop.  With my milk she continued to progress in her height and weight and was very much endowed in the chubby area!  My milk was proof of her becoming a beautiful healthy girl.

I began to enjoy those quite and pure moments I had with her when she could just eat at her own heart's content.  I looked forward to when she would get older and I wouldn't have to feed her as much and where I could spread the feedings out more.  I felt like the whole time I was breastfeeding I was having a personal battle with my body who was telling me to stop and that maybe I wasn't cut out for it.  Of course there were more times than not that it was smooth sailing and pain free when I did feed, but towards the end for whatever reason I started to get that stinging/shooting pain after I was done with a feeding.

But oh boy was I determined...I had my mind set on the goal that I would bf for an entire year...and you better believe that I did!  When Annabelle reached 10 months my body obviously wasn't producing as much milk and I could tell she was starting to ween herself too.  I still had wanted to feed her at least 4 times a day, but for some reason if I did more than 2x it would just start hurting again.  So, I kept the morning and night feedings and supplemented with formula during lunch time along with her other solids throughout the day and it worked out just fine.

Accomplished... 

Just for my own journal sake I felt the importance of recording my bf journey, not to complain about the difficult times I had with bf, but so that I could have something to motivate me to do it again when the time comes.  I needed something to remind myself that I CAN DO THIS!

Sometimes I feel more accomplished that I breastfed for an entire year verses having completed my bachelors degree, I'm convinced that if I can bf for that long I can endure anything.  It was just something I was pretty sure I couldn't push through, but I did and I'm really proud of myself.  I do carry some pride about having pushed my handcart through the breastfeeding trenches.

So take that breastfeeding...I did defeat you and it felt oh.so.good.  When I stopped this August I had that gut aching feeling and truly missed it.  I missed that valuable quite time I got to share with Belle...and that right there was priceless because I always had thought I would be so overjoyed to stop.  I'm thankful that I had a healthy enough body to allow me to bf for that long and as my coach Nikki would say, "The scars from breastfeeding are our battle wounds and badges of motherhood." What an amazing thing to be able to honor.